gungho girl

Art & Fear
By David Bayles & Ted Orland

I began reading this book for the second time about a month ago. It has been on my shelf for a few years and it was calling to me. Art & Fear explores the way art gets made, the reasons it often doesn’t get made, and the nature of the difficulties that cause so many artists to give up along the way.¹

The artist does not create until the pain of not creating art supersedes the pain of creating it. This concept sticks out most in my mind at present.

I make these observations of myself in relation to my work:

I desire to create in a time when the bulk of my focus is on basic survival needs. Get a job. The old adage, “Get back on your feet,” comes to mind. So the pressures of practicality take the reins of my life… again.

The desire to create in a time of struggle intensifies the pain of not creating art and makes the challenge of creating art greater and this challenge even is further magnified in times when society is projecting a scarcity mindset.

Words a friend told once comes to mind “You’re not an artist if your not making art.”

Those words still float about causing distress to this part of me that feels pained. It is like a slightly malicious poke, poke, poke at the part of my Self I identify as “artist.”

Then on a walk one day, I encounter my fear.

At the bus stop for the #18 on Park Blvd I find my nightmare. A night terror I feel  just beyond the veil between here and there that I walk too close to it during the day. I look long at the image of this Jannie Moore. I see her now juxtaposed by her dreams. I take in the stark contrast of coexisting realities manifesting as horror to me. I often see homeless black women on the street. Admittedly, it frightened me. It is a place I fear to be relegated to in my life. To be so destitute. Vulnerable. And to have had dreams on top of that?

Sometimes I voice this terror to my friends. They always say, “That would never happen to you.” Even with my education, experience, and potential I still harbor this fear. Why? Artists know that scary tightrope of livelihood vs creativity and those scales are not weighted in balance. Not in our current social structure where the value placed upon the fruits of your labor are measured by its level of functionality. Thus, artists share this common delusion of  “luck of the draw” when it comes to being a successful artist with material well being. If value equals material wealth or well being, then a quick survey with any salary calculator will quickly let one know what contributions society truly values.

I took the risk of pursuing a career based in creative expression.
I stood there looking at this photo that so well articulated my phobia.

“That could be me.”

I let that thought go and decide not to focus on it. Then I realize this image is a brilliant piece of work. I look for the advertiser.

Of course.

Currently, this is my example of Fear.
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¹ Google Books Description